The unlikeliest heroes of the Resistance

Another dastardly Wile E .Coyote scheme is blowing up in the face of the anti-Trump ‘Resistance’.

As Trump heads toward near-certain acquittal on the Democrats’ impeachment charges, perhaps it is time for the Resistance to engage in some serious self-reflection. Maybe their embrace of the wacky flip-floppers who turned on Trump expedited the downfall of the trial.

In order to render some assistance, Cockburn has put together a list of the unlikely heroes of the Resistance.

John Bolton

Bolton is a war hawk neoconservative and an architect of the Iraq war, the exact type of individual you’d expect the progressive left to despise. However, Bolton has earned fawning coverage from the media, as he has allegedly written poorly of Trump’s pressure campaign with Ukraine in a forthcoming book. Democrats are desperate to call Bolton as a witness in the Senate impeachment trial in a last ditch effort to save their prospects of removing Trump.

Anthony Scaramucci

‘The Mooch’ lasted just 10 days in the Trump administration but now seems to have earned a more permanent home with the anti-Trump media hounds, after deeming the president ‘crazy’ and ‘narcissistic’. Scaramucci officially turned on Trump after he attacked his wife on Twitter, explaining, ‘if he’s coming after my wife, him and I are going to be at war’. Cockburn has no comment on his sleazing around with Kimberly Guilfoyle after his nine-month pregnant wife filed for divorce.

Lev Parnas

Parnas is the perfect Resistance hero for a multitude of reasons: he’s greasy, unreliable, and has a hankering to save his own skin. He, of course, turned on former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani after being indicted for a foreign donor scheme. Parnas’s sweaty desperation earned him a primetime interview with MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and endless Resistance wine moms posting photos of him with various Trump associates on Twitter.

James Comey

Cockburn never thought he’d see the day the online left deified the intelligence community. But when the FBI was their best hope of getting Trump removed from office, anything is possible. Comey’s firing was the impetus for appointing a special counsel to investigate alleged collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. Although the investigation ultimately fell flat, Comey’s tell-all book, cable news appearances, and Twitter pictures in Iowa had the Resistance counting its chickens.

Joe Walsh

Walsh is a Republican with a history of racist tweets, but that didn’t stop him from becoming the apple of the Resistance’s eye when he announced a primary challenge to President Trump. His campaign raised less than $130,000 as of October 2019, but he received plenty of earned media from CNN and MSNBC.

Mark Sanford

Sanford, a former Republican governor who lied about hiking the Appalachian Trail while actually rendezvousing with an Argentinian journalist, is convinced that he has a better moral compass than Trump. None of this sent red flags to the Resistance. Thus, Sanford also attempted a primary challenge against Trump that lasted just a few months.

John McCain

The media and Democrats consistently accused McCain of racism and bigotry when he ran for president in 2008, but his ‘thumbs down’ on the Republicans’ repeal of Obamacare shortly before his death landed McCain on the all-time great Resistance heroes list.

Michael Cohen

Middle-aged liberal moms everywhere fell in love with the vaguely decent-looking former Trump ‘fixer’ after he began spilling all of his dirty secrets about the president. The left’s support couldn’t save him from prison, however, and now Cohen is begging for an early release on good behavior.

Mitt Romney

The former presidential candidate and Utah senator had no problem biting his tongue about Trump when he was angling for a secretary of state appointment, as demonstrated in an infamous photo of the pair dining together at Trump International Hotel. Now he’s only eating crow, having written an op-ed denouncing the president shortly after his election and coming out against Trump during the Senate’s impeachment trial. The candidate who was admonished as a woman-hating racist during the 2012 election is now beloved by the leftists who need his help in taking out the president.

Jeff Flake

Flake only managed to speak out about Trump when his retirement from the Senate was imminent, making his statements hollower than a chocolate Easter bunny. And he’s still a conservative — just not the populist, nationalist-style conservative of the Trump era. Nonetheless, Flake managed to book many CNN gigs from his official rebuke of the president.

Omarosa Manginault Newman

Omarosa was one of the slimiest characters to leave the administration on bad terms — unqualified for her position and disliked by those around her. She then immediately flipped after getting canned by then-chief of staff Gen. John Kelly. She still leveraged her proximity to the president into some prominent MSNBC bookings and an award for influential black women.

Robert Mueller

A wealthy Republican who was responsible for investigating all of the alleged misdeeds between Trump and Russia? Cue near-orgasmic segments of praise from MSNBC’s Nicolle Wallace, a wince-inducing SNL Christmas song and a cringeworthy superhero comic book from the Krassenstein brothers. Mueller’s run mirrored the rise and fall of the Resistance movement, as he crushed its dreams after finding no evidence of collusion (and no pee tape) involving the president.

Justin Amash

A Koch-esque politician, Amash garnered attention from the left when he accused Trump of obstructing justice and then changed his party affiliation from Republican to Independent. The bespectacled libertarian now sees most of his tweets go viral, particularly when they’re calling for the president’s impeachment, and the left hasn’t attempted to grapple with the fact that Amash is a pro-life, limited government opponent of pretty much everything they stand for that’s unrelated to Trump.