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Like all men, flawed as they are, Cockburn has indulged in the odd message to an Instagram beauty after one mojito too many. But as we’ve learned from Adam Levine over the last week, it’s probably best to follow some rules when doing so.
After the Maroon 5 singer was caught sending multiple messages to women who aren’t his wife, people have been quick to shame him for being a scumbag. Cockburn recognizes that extramarital flirtation is frowned upon, but he also believes there is a way to do these things. It’s all in the delivery.
Step one
If your wife is a Victoria’s Secret model, and you are a declining rockstar covered in tattoos that make Post Malone’s look like the Sistine Chapel, maybe message her instead?! Primal instincts are one thing, but if you’re sharing a bed every night with a Namibian model, it’s probably best to know where your bread is buttered. See also: being married to Emily Ratajkowski.
Step two
If you ignore step one, you’re an idiot. But Cockburn is not one to judge, so if you must: you should probably not flirt with an Instagram thirst trap on your main account with 15 million followers and a blue tick. Opt for a smaller, private account and change the name to something that isn’t instantly recognizable. Maybe AdamL, or Levine798277. Remember to only upload photos that are easily accessible to a crazy fan. Plausible deniability is key here.
Step three
Flirt with someone who isn’t going to rat you out. Identifying the right candidate could prove tricky, because you never know who could be looking for a quick buck. A tip — one that Mr. Levine really should have realized — is to try and make an assessment based on your lady’s account about whether she’s on the hunt for fifteen minutes of fame. Does she appear to live on beach resorts? Does her wardrobe solely consist of bikinis?
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Opt for someone more low-key: maybe a Sarah or a Hannah. Preferably not a model, you’d be better off going through her agent.
Step four
Have a good chat-up line. The main reason the Levine DMs have sparked widespread interest is because they’re so embarrassing. “Holy fuck, holy fucking fuck, that body of yours is absurd” is a guaranteed one-way ticket into every women’s group chat imaginable. Much of the criticism of Levine’s extramarital efforts centers on the total lack of effort he puts into it. Cockburn thinks it’s go hard or go home. Perhaps quote some Byron, or even try a joke? Some women have a sense of humor, reportedly.
Step five
If you’re caught, either wholeheartedly admit it or don’t. Levine’s cryptic post admitting he “crossed the line during a regrettable period” is just as weak as his pick-up lines. Either get on your knees and beg for forgiveness or do what Cockburn would do: deny, deny, deny.
