The top 10 Cockburns of 2022

2022 was another landmark year for DC’s most disheveled correspondent.

He was outside the courthouse when Johnny Depp won his defamation suit, and outside the Supreme Court when Roe fell. He observed mourners for Queen Elizabeth in London, went to Congress with an NBA star, lifted the lid on the “toxic” work culture at the startup where Prince Harry “works,” listened to too many episodes of his wife’s podcast and debunked a flimsy hoax about Lauren Boebert. He quaffed his way through several Christmas parties, think-tank mixers, campaign fundraisers and conferences with national conservatives, Texas conservatives, libertarians and sexual deviants. He reminded you of James Corden’s best moments and launched his Friday gossip column, where he was the first to tell you about the names in the mix for Trump 2024. Oh, and Stormy Daniels read his future so he knows what’s coming up in 2023.

Here are the most popular Cockburns of the last twelve months. Thank you for reading — and Happy New Year!

The problem with Meghan Markle’s Archetypes podcast, August 23

Meghan has now launched Archetypes — maybe the couple spent a year or so coming up with the brilliant name. Harry has been shoved into the background, naturally, so that Meghan can concentrate on talking about herself — sorry, Cockburn meant to say, “on the labels that try to hold women back.”

Study: it’s not Adam Levine’s fault, October 12

The forty-three-year-old Maroon 5 singer denied cheating on his pregnant wife, after model Sumner Stroh claimed that they had a year-long affair in a TikTok video. Following her admission, two other women came out with messages purportedly from Levine.

But could his conduct be down to science? An August study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior journal seems to think so.

Let he who is without crack-induced nudes cast the first stone, March 18

“I bet everybody knows somebody,” the president explained, “that in an intimate relationship, what happened was the guy takes a revealing picture of his naked friend, or whatever, in a compromising position and then blackmails.”

True enough, Mr. Biden. Who among us, to pick a random hypothetical from the aether, has not had to face the scandalous repercussions of intimate, illicit photos surfacing after we left a laptop uncollected at a computer repair shop in the sleepy state of Delaware?

Prince Harry presiding over ‘toxic boys’ club,’ former employees claim, July 27

Judging from the testimonies of ex-employees, BetterUp seem to be professional in nothing other than virtue-signaling, and while they may talk the talk, by all accounts, they do not walk the walk. On Glassdoor, one employee branded the company a “Toxic Boys Club,” claiming they felt discouraged to speak up when something didn’t sit right, and that “wartime” language was used to push people to their limits.

The Hunter Biden iCloud leak double-standard, July 11

Cockburn isn’t one to traffic in conspiracy theory — but it does strike him as rather odd that two weeks before the presidential election, damaging information about Hunter was snuffed out of circulation… yet now, as poll after poll emphasizes the president’s unpopularity, embarrassing videos of his son seem to be fair game…

Was Sleepy Joe late for the Queen’s funeral?, September 19

The word is that there was a period of small talk at the entrance before it was decided that those given the highest decorations of military valor would go ahead of the president. Cockburn thinks that if there’s one day to make sure the alarm is set, then it was probably today.

Netflix changes woke course after Chappelle attack, May 13

The Disney corporation remains, for now, an employment option for those intent upon infusing left-wing ideologies into modes of escapism. But Cockburn has a feeling it’s only a matter of time before Disney will also be forced to reverse course faster than the Kali River Rapids ride.

The Lauren Boebert ‘escort-abortion’ hitjob stinks, June 15

The “source” later claims to “have the photos from the actual site.” But the photos that they then send have all been previously published by Boebert, in an attempt to win a 2011 modeling contest on a site called Explore Talent, as you can see here, here and here. In the Muckrakers dossier, the Explore Talent watermark appears to have been cropped off each of the photographs.

Meghan Markle: America’s laziest interviewer, November 16

Listening to Archetypes, Meghan’s podcast about “dissecting labels,” Cockburn found it a little weird that the guests never spoke over each other. You’d think that as the interviewees they’d try and get a word in edgeways through Meghan’s babbling. After labeling the show a “candid conversation” it seems the conversation is actually happening without Meghan.

Leonardo DiCaprio only dates women under twenty-five BECAUSE he’s an eco-warrior, August 31

Climate change, pollution, the energy crisis — the reason for these disasters is simple: there are just too many people on earth.

How does this relate to a middle-aged actor dating young supermodels, you ask? Simple: Leo is stealing their best child-bearing years one at a time without impregnating them.

Now, Cockburn is no scientist — but he bets that if Leo keeps this up for a few more decades, you will literally see the oceans get clearer.