The quest for child-free dining

The people who follow my social media know that I’m not kidding when I say that restaurants should ban children. You can’t avoid kids in certain fast-food or large outdoor-patio situations, but on the whole, children in restaurants are a horrible war crime. So when Nettie’s House of Spaghetti, a red-sauce joint in Tinton Falls, New Jersey, announced in February that it would be banning kids, my inbox flooded with the story.

“We love kids,” the restaurant wrote. “We really, truly, do. But lately, it’s been extremely challenging to accommodate children at Nettie’s. Between noise levels, lack of space for high chairs, cleaning up crazy messes and the liability of kids running around the restaurant, we have decided that it’s time to take control of the situation. This wasn’t a decision that was made lightly, but some recent events have pushed us to implement this new policy.”

Nettie’s has not been forthcoming with details about those particular events, and when I texted them for an interview, they refused further comment. But there’s no sign the restaurant has reneged on its promise. Could this be the beginning of my wishes coming true? Is it possible that, at last, we might have some decent child-free dining spaces in this world?

Unfortunately, I don’t think so. Banning children from restaurants is something that pops up every few years, like the Olympics or a cicada infestation. From time to time, somewhere, a restaurant will ban kids. The food press will cover this like it’s news, and then the movement stalls.

In July 2011, McDain’s, a restaurant and “Golf Center” in Monroeville, Pennsylvania, banished all children under the age of six. Mike Vuick, the owner, said he was instituting the policy after years of complaints about kids and their “impolite and selfish” parents. “Their volume cannot be controlled, and many, many times, they have disturbed other customers.” I called McDain’s to ask if that policy was still in place twelve years later. But while the Golf Center is still going strong, the restaurant closed in 2015.

The year 2013 saw an evening ban of kids under eight at La Fisheria, a seafood restaurant in Houston, Texas. “The restaurant is small, and many regulars have complained that their experience at the restaurant has been dampened by rambunctious children, but kids are welcome to come for lunch or any other time,” a PR representative said at the time. Ten years down the road, I called La Fisheria to see how that was going. “No, we don’t have that policy,” the manager told me. “It’s not the same owner. We actually have a menu for kids. We love the kids.”

Others appear to be standing their ground. In 2017, Caruso’s, a fine-dining establishment in Mooresville, North Carolina, banned children under five. “Banning children has always been a topic in the industry and every owner says, ‘I wish I could do it,’” said a manager. Owner Pasquale Caruso added, “People don’t want to come in and spend money on a nice meal and an evening out, when there’s constantly food on the floor, loud electronic devices keeping kids entertained, and small children screaming.”

Amen to that, brother, and also kudos to Hampton Station, a party-oriented pizza joint in Tampa, Florida, which booted kids in late 2017 for safety issues, according to owner Troy Taylor. “We’re a small local place and I couldn’t stand to have someone get hurt, especially a kid, on our watch,” he said. “And we really don’t have the staff to monitor that kind of stuff.” I called Hampton Station and they told me the kids ban is still happily in place, and presumably everyone is safe.

This isn’t just about indulged American brats, either. It’s an international issue. In 2018, Oma’s Küche, a restaurant in the German island town of Binz, banned children, causing a great uproar in the global press. Owner Rudolf Markl, a great hero of history, told the press at the time, “Guests complained that they wanted to have a nice evening, with dinner and a bottle of wine, and time and time again children ruined that. They throw food around, play tag, shout loudly around the place, climb under the tables — and other guests have no patience with it anymore…it has nothing at all to do with discrimination. It is a restaurant and not a playground.”

But the true MVPs of kid-bans in restaurants are Beverley and Tony Flackett of Harley’s Café and Coffee Bar in Hanley, England. They have banned children under five from their premises for a quarter century, and show no sign of relenting. In 2021, they reopened after an expensive refurbishment and made their continued policy very clear. “I think we’re the only place that doesn’t let under-fives in, and people say they like coming here as there are no screaming kids,” said Mr. Flackett. “We have a lot of valuable stuff in here.”

But most restauranteurs don’t have the moral courage of the Flacketts. If you truly desire a child-free meal, your choices are few, including Eric Ripert’s Le Bernardin in New York City and the Los Angeles burger bar Father’s Office, according to Child-Free Places, a web directory that hasn’t updated since spring 2020.

When it comes to kids in restaurants, the enemy is everywhere. And craven dining establishments continue to cater to them and their overly permissive parents. In fact, many Applebee’s outlets in New Jersey, in response to Nettie’s House of Spaghetti’s bold move, now say that kids under the age of twelve can dine in their establishments free. You couldn’t pay me enough to go into one. But if I ever find myself in Tipton Falls (I won’t), I’m going to make a reservation for two adults at Nettie’s, where I’ll enjoy a quiet dinner free of distractions. I think I’ll have the branzino.

This article is taken from The Spectator’s June 2023 World edition.