George Santos blown

George Santos’s remaining time in Congress appears to be as fleeting as a candle — or, more accurate, a balloon — in the wind. As the congressman faces threats of explosion from within the Capital, a giant balloon of the swamp’s infamous fabulist is flopping around the National Mall.  

The fifteen-foot inflatable of the disgraced New York congressman is currently caught in the city’s chilly fall gusts, falling flat on its face like Santos may soon do himself. The spectacle was commissioned by MoveOn Political Action, a progressive advocacy group which hopes to encourage Congress to expel Santos.  

Of course, Santos is only a few donor-funded Botox treatments away from becoming a synthetic parody of himself. Santos used money from his 2022 campaign for a variety of personal expenditures including lip injections to achieve his signature pouty look. A 2022 campaign aide alleged that Santos would call her gushing every time he had his lips altered, one time texting, “new lips kicked in lol.” Earlier this month, House Ethics investigators also revealed that Santos spent campaign money on OnlyFans and at casinos and Hermès, a French luxury design house.

Santos has previously survived an attempt from New York Republicans to oust him from office, but now, following new findings from the House Ethics Committee, his explosion is imminent. On November 17, committee chairman Michael Guest filed a resolution to expel Santos from Congress which could be moved to a vote as early as this week.  

Although he called the investigation slanderous, Santos has read the writing on the wall. “I know I’m going to get expelled when this expulsion resolution goes to the floor,” he said. “I’ve done the math over and over, and it doesn’t look really good.” Santos added that he would be standing for the explosion vote.  

In a three-hour appearance on an X space, Santos embraced his new martyrdom. “There’s people with all sorts of sheisty backgrounds, and all of a sudden, George Santos is the Mary Magdalene of the United States Congress,” he said. Though Cockburn must note, Santos has yet to be mistaken for a prostitute. We will have to monitor his OnlyFans penchant to see if the congressman finds himself further along the path to sex work…