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Cockburn is always looking for a good roast to accompany his morning swig of Bailey’s. Luckily, if you’re a card-toting member of the Grand Old Party, own at least one gun, and supported the Iraq War when it was in vogue, you have a plethora of options.
On his search to find a coffee that can’t be cucked, Cockburn initially found Black Rifle Coffee Company, which might bring with it a connotation of Ben Shapiro or National Review to any attuned Republican ear. Veteran-owned with blends named “AK-47” and “Coffee, or Die,” the company has poised itself to become any patriot’s official blend, even recently becoming the official coffee of the Dallas Cowboys.
Of course, this is not without controversy, on both left and right.
For left-wing Cowboys fans — if such a thing isn’t an oxymoron — the move by the team seems too overtly right-wing, as Black Rifle’s owner openly supports Republican politics. It may even come across as insensitive or badly timed after the gun violence in Highland Park and Texas’s own Uvalde.
For the right, Black Rifle lost its street cred after it distanced itself from Kyle Rittenhouse. This caused a crop of conservatives to brand Black Rifle as RINOs and look for other options.
One of those options is Stocking Mill Coffee, whose website greets visitors with one question: did you vote for Joe Biden? If you answer yes, the site redirects you to bagofdicks.com. No coffee for you. If you answer no, you’re greeted with a humble brag that the company was suspended from Twitter, a badge of honor for any true Trumpian.
Alternatively, Cockburn can soothe his caffeine craving with the more overtly named Right Wing Brew. Its website prefers to flex an aesthetic complete with the Marlboro Man macho image of cowboys, wartime flyovers, and George Washington himself holding a bag of their roast.
Any way you turn it, the right has no shortage of counters to leftie hipster coffee culture. While Kahlua will always be the way to Cockburn’s heart, he’s glad to know the GOP has developed a coffee infrastructure to upset the communist hegemony of Seattle-based Starbucks.
