Just how good is apple cider vinegar?

The snake oil salesman is back in town with an old favorite: apple cider vinegar – or ACV as it’s called by those in the know. The “wonder-juice” has been around for centuries, peddled by Greeks and Romans alike. In recent years, it has become something of a panacea, a social media “superfood.” But just how good is this cloudy, acidic liquid?

The purported benefits range from weight loss to curing cancer. I’m no oncologist, but the cancer claims seem a little dubious. Let’s not dismiss apple cider vinegar entirely, though. The likes of Jennifer Aniston, Kim Kardashian, Katy Perry and Victoria Beckham swear by it — and if the mockumentary series Brass Eye taught us anything, it’s that celebrities are always right.

Some facts about apple cider vinegar before you start chugging the stuff and burn your tongue off. It goes through a two-step fermentation process. The second step transforms the alcohol in the cider into acetic acid, which allegedly helps with weight loss. All vinegars are made via fermentation; apple cider vinegar keeps its microbial culture — the “mother” — the layer on top that looks like depressed jelly. The vinegar is supposedly good only when the mother is intact.

Whether or not the cider is an orphan is beside the point. I just care whether this stuff has real, tangible health benefits. Some studies have yielded promising results, but the evidence is too thin to be convincing. And — sorry to our celebrity friends — there are quite a few risks associated with consuming ACV in large quantities.

If you haven’t drunk it before, you’re in for a treat. Imagine rancid apple juice and Tabasco mixed together, then spat in by a drunk after three cans of Bold Rock. Apple cider vinegar can cause esophageal damage if it’s not diluted properly. It can also wear the enamel off your teeth, injure your corneas and cause serious problems if you suffer from kidney disease. There’s also the risk of excessive burping, flatulence and unhappy bowel movements.

Great. Sign me up. You might be a blind, toothless, farting wreck, but at least you’ve lost five pounds. And that’s all that matters, right?

I’m not against alternative medicine. I take my vitamins like everyone else, one effervescent tablet at a time. But when a product claims to cure diabetes, cut your belly fat, clear your skin and minimize or prevent cancer, I get a little suspicious.

People are always interested in a quick fix. Look at abdominal toning belts, dark-web slimming pills and Huel, the astronaut-inspired packets of dust that claim to be food. But weight loss, good skin and low blood sugar aren’t achievable through a thimbleful of ACV alone. You’d be a fool to think any celeb maintains peak health with a $10 bottle of vinegar. Personal trainers, vigorous diets and Ozempic are their real secrets.

One last thing: why do apple cider vinegar drinkers always have that smug expression on their face when they tell you about it? It’s the same for people who drink green tea. But who am I to judge? Knock yourself out. Just try not to lose your teeth in the process.

This article was originally published in The Spectator’s May 2024 World edition.