Cringe white women flock to the KHive

The only thing more cringe than Kamala Harris is the legion of white women who have suddenly rediscovered their obsession with the Democrats’ presumptive nominee. The KHive, as Harris’s fans call themselves, was launched during Harris’s failed bid for the presidency in 2020 and has since been remobilized to provide suburban moms and young gay men a platform to post coconut memes. 

The first pillar of the KHive is race. Being a part of the coalition demands an acute awareness of the enormity of electing the nation’s first black female president and unburdening the white privilege that has been. Any mention of Harris’s Indian heritage is, of course, only optional. “Fellow white ladies. Get over it. Whatever it is, get past it right now,” Rebecca Fachner, a self-proclaimed historian, posted to X. “We’re gonna elect a black woman president and I promise you it’s gonna be amazing. Get on board, no reservations.”

Needless to say, the KHive does suffer from a white savior complex, believing that Harris can only win with the economic and political impact of suburban women. Political activist Shannon Watts begged white women to use their unique privilege to rent venues, influence online and acquire rally permits — all things other voters might not be able to do. 

Since white women love the Barbie movie, the KHive has integrated it as the campaign’s second pillar. Many believe it was fated that Kamala would ascend to the top of the ticket given the historic significance of the day it happened on. “Joe Biden announced he was stepping aside and endorsing @KamalaHarris on the one year anniversary of the release of the Barbie movie,” posted Rachel Vindman, a suburban mom podcaster and wife of Ukraine phone call whistleblower Alexander. 

As far as their strategy goes, the KHive likes to induct its members young. Democratic slacktivist JoJoFromJerz, for example, has turned her daughter into a political sycophant at just eleven years old: 

“I told my eleven-year old daughter that Joe had dropped out and she started to cry and through her tears she asked ‘So who will run now?’

And I said ‘Kamala.’

And then she shouted ‘FUCK YES!!!!’”

Cockburn had doubted the exchange really happened until he stumped upon a picture of Jo clutching Joe outside the White House. Any child whose mother hugs Biden that tightly is bound to have some childhood trauma.

And then there’s the celebrity endorsements. On Sunday, Charli xcx proclaimed that “Kamala is brat,” a riff on her latest album. Cockburn hates to assume artistic intent, but a nearly-sixty-year-old politician was certainly not the muse for a techno-dance album — although she may have inspired “Girl, so confusing.”  Regardless, Harris’s team is embracing the meme and has changed the banner on Kamala HQ to copy the album’s cover art. 

Despite all the endorsements, the nation’s most famous white girl has yet to weigh in on Harris’s candidacy. Although many wrongly believe Hawk Tuah Girl is team MAGA, Cockburn wouldn’t be surprised if she does end up endorsing Harris.