Which DC olds should be put out to pasture?

Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is at the nice old age of sixty-nine. Considering the average age of a US senator is sixty-five, she’s essentially in the prime of her political life. But that hasn’t stopped the growing calls for her resignation.  

Connecticut senator Richard Blumenthal, who himself is seventy-eight, recently compared the justice to a pile of bones. “The old saying — graveyards are full of indispensable people, ourselves in this body included,” Blumenthal told NBC on Wednesday. He’s worried that unless Sotomayor steps down, the court will be left with a RBG repeat and the ascension of another conservative judge. Former MSNBC host Mehdi Hasan also called on Sotomayor to retire before “Trump replace[s] her with a far-right Federalist Society goon in 2025?”

Cockburn is no spring chicken and doesn’t think the attacks on Sotomayor are necessarily vindicated — though some of her recent performances certainly raise questions — but that won’t stopped him from jumping on the geriatric-bashing bandwagon. He’s made his own list of declining, washed-up or otherwise elderly politicians who should strongly consider retirement. (A shame that no one made this case to our 2024 presidential field, but hey-ho.)

Chuck Grassley

The oldest sitting member of Congress was born just months before Prohibition was repealed. He predates Hitler’s rise to power and the invention of the chocolate chip cookie. And yet, at age ninety, he’s still puttering around the halls of the capital. In 2022, he filed paperwork to run for reelection in 2028, which would make him a centenarian by the time he finishes his term — provided, Heaven forbid, he doesn’t pull a Dianne Feinstein. It’s time for Grassley to put his feet up and pour himself a drink in honor of the Twenty-First Amendment. He should nonetheless keep tweeting.

Nancy Pelosi

It’s not that Pelosi’s age has made her unfit for office so much as her disinterest in the pitiful wages. She may have been the first woman to serve as speaker of the House and one of the office’s longest holders, but Pelosi’s attention has recently turned towards more profitable endeavors. In 2023, her stock portfolio racked up a 65 percent return, thanks in large part to investments in Nvidia, an AI computing company. She announced the purchase last year on the Friday before Christmas to avoid media scrutiny — savvy. Pelosi doesn’t have to retire but she’d be doing everyone a favor if she transitions to a full-time investor. 

Jerry Nadler

The New York congressman is only seventy-six, the youngest entry on Cockburn’s list, but his fashion sense adds a solid ten years to his life. Nadler infamously wears his pants — or trousers if you were born before 1950 — hiked up to his sternum. Cockburn always assumed this was an old habit from the days Nadler tipped the scale at 300 pounds, but sources say it’s actually a ploy to hide his Depends.   

Maxine Waters

“Auntie” Maxine Waters probably didn’t know what a meme was when she made herself a viral sensation with her cheeky moments in Congress. Cockburn is worried that the eighty-five-year-old congresswoman’s outbursts are really just the signs of burgeoning dementia. She’s encouraged people to harass Trump staffers in public, called on protesters in the Twin Cities to get “more confrontational” in the Derek Chauvin trial, and even told a group of homeless protestors to “go home” — all without a shred of remorse. She’s also been branded one of Congress’s most corrupt members four times by the liberal watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. Such accusations are less of a concern for Cockburn, though — he thinks Bob “the Pharaoh” Menendez should stay in office as long as possible, for instance.

Dick Blumenthal

Seventy-eight, Da-Nang Dick, and you’re calling for your juniors to retire? Lead by example, buddy!